Yes, I know that I am supposed to be doing First Aid training but couldn’t help to drop in on the kitchen staff and assist in the daily tasks which happened to be cleaning several hundred trout today for dinner tonight. God is so good about challenging us in new and exciting ways.
Despite the smile on my face I freely admit that I’ve struggled since I arrived and have had to stave off feeling really sad. I’ve tried to figure out what may have triggered this and am wondering if it wasn’t memories from Thanksgiving and just revisiting what a terribly difficult time that was in my life? Makes no matter. It is what it is.
I had to remind someone today as a matter of fact that I’m still “sick.” His response was “I think you’re doing great Gina.” Hmmm… not so fast I’m afraid. I’ve said many a time that it’s all neatly glued together but a broken vase is never as sturdy once broken in my opinion. It would be easy for people to think that I’ve somehow managed to overcome this tremendous sorrow in my life by staying busy and seeking to continue to serve the Lord.
The huge gaping hole in my life remains and is just as a large as the day it occurred. There’s just one difference now in that I’ve willfully decided to live with the gaping hole and move forward. The truth is that life has gone on for most of the people that we both knew despite the trauma that was willingly inflicted upon them (family, friends, and supporters). You know what… I totally get why and understand completely.
I’m just saying that not a single day has passed that I haven’t thought about this from the moment that it happened. Honestly, it really would not surprise me if it ended up being that way for the rest of my life although I’m hoping that won’t be the case because that might prove to be pretty darn hard to live with.
I like to remind people to not kid themselves into thinking anything other than the truth about divorce among Christians in that it destroys lives. I know that doesn’t sound particularly merciful but that’s OK as I believe that God would be the first to chime in and say, “This is why I told you not to do it and to not make light of it.”
So yes, it is very possible that one could spend the day scaling and cleaning fish and feel terrible on the inside while smiling on the outside. That’s just the way it is sometimes, even for a bonafide Jesus lover.
~Gina for Arise Medical Missions