You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! Isaiah 26:3
I haven’t written much over the last few weeks because I don’t know what to write. I continue to struggle my way through my circumstances just crying out to God for the miracle of restoration. It had been weeks since I was able to converse with Carl and I was hoping that God would see fit to bring me what I perceived to be good news in the form of restoring our broken family?
Hence, came the call that I was praying for yesterday. I’m sad to say that there is absolutely no change whatsoever. My husband wishes to divorce me and there isn’t anything that I can do to stop that. Believe it or not, I think it’s finally sinking in. I’m ever so slowly beginning to come to the understanding that this is it, like it or not, and God hasn’t given me the power to change this. I sure wish that I could change all of this for my kids especially but I don’t have the power to change that either.
Austin and I are doing well all things considering. We are beginning to formulate our summer plans since this will be the last summer that he is home. We are trying to orchestrate a plan that will allow us to serve together at Living Waters in Maine, spend time with Joi and Ty in VA, and maybe even try to serve at a Grace Brethren Camp in Pennsylvania. It’s hard with trying to fit it all in but we’re seriously trying to work out all of the details.
This morning, I felt this terrible cloud of depression lift off of my shoulders that I’ve been struggling through for weeks now. I’ve been crying out to God for help. Please Lord, I’ve never felt this terrible. Please come take away the pain. I want to breathe again and be free once more. I want to feel joy again. Please Father, help me get my act together. And I’m rather certain that I heard him say, “I will do my part when you agree to keep your thoughts fixed on me for good.” Sounds easy enough but it’s harder than you realize. I’m reading a book right now called Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb. I think it’s helping me beyond measure. Here’s what it says…
For Jesus, the answer to suffering is to suffer intensely, to risk feeling so bad that you hole up in a small hotel room and watch six hours of CNN, and then to walk through that pain- through prayer, the Word, spiritual disciplines, and community- toward the center of your soul where above all else you desire God.
Then it goes on to say this about Naomi in the Bible…
Naomi was not a practicing Buddhist. She did not deaden her desire. She felt her pain in ways that made her truly ugly and exposed her to the contempt of her community. By refusing to deaden her pain, she kept alive, even in the midst of her depression, her capacity to desire something more.
If we keenly feel the gap between desire and reality, if we reject the way of Buddha, we will eventually recognize that our harvest is beginning. Hope that was hidden during the long dark night will eventually be revealed. If we enter our dark night and refuse to pretend that we see light when we don’t, we will eventually see the plan of God unfold in our lives.
Shattered dreams are the prelude to joy. Always. In the middle of our pain, God is working for our joy. At some point, He works in ways we can see.
You know what… I seriously don’t want a single one of you to feel sorry for me because we are way past that. We’re way past the shock, the disbelief, and the this can’t be happening. Now, after nearly 8 months, we’re into the this did happen and now what. We’re into the “How in the world do I make the Word of God alive to myself and my children again part of this.”
If I die trying, I will ensure that I have one primary agenda and that is to glorify God because I long to enjoy Him in a way that I will never be able to enjoy another human being again, and to somehow, in some way, be able to reveal Him to other people in every single relational encounter I have from this point on.
Lord, I will follow you regardless of my circumstances and I will figure out a way to live again for you alone.
~Gina for Arise Medical Missions