Gina Update 062717

I wonder why I’m called to write on this blog when times get tough? I haven’t added to it over the last few years. It’s been such an outlet for me at different times in my life. Difficult times filled with many trials for which I wondered if I would make it out alive. But I did. God gave me strength. He saved me. A wretch like me. Honestly… I feel like a wretch today. Worn out. Poured out. Searching for God in the face of one of my best friends in the whole world who is coming to the end of her life from a horrific cancer that is seeking to destroy. Who would have guessed it would end this way and yet why not… I’m well aware that we’re all called to die. Still, I’m not prepared for it. Living without her seems unimaginable. I’m certainly not mad at God. How could I be when he has proven himself time and time again. How could I ever forget all the times that I’ve called on him and he’s answered swiftly.

Once again it’s like God has called me to grace… “Gina, this is going to take some grace in your life. You’re going to have to trust me deeply in order to get through this. It’s not going to work well if you try doing it alone.” I have to be honest with you… I could hardly stand getting on the phone with my Billy today as she gasped for air to speak from her hospice bed. I felt like yelling “Please Billy, don’t leave me here without you. I can’t make it without you. I don’t want to even try.” Still she gasped and cried on her end too. I have to ask God to free me from the guilt of sobbing with her when she sobs. I freely admit Lord that there is not a single part of me, not even on the cellular level, that is available to stand at her impending funeral. I’m working on beginning the drive from Texas to Florida in a few days. It’s gonna hurt. I can just feel it. Something feels so wrong about letting her go in this manner. Something seems so off about death. It’s comforting to know that God never intended it, wanted it, or ok’d it. One day death will be defeated.

“Let not your heart be troubled; believe in God, believe also in Me. 2 “In My Father’s house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you. 3 “And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you to Myself; that where I am, {there} you may be also. 4 “And you know the way where I am going.” 5 Thomas *said to Him, “Lord, we do not know where You are going, how do we know the way?” 6 Jesus *said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father, but through Me” (John 14:1-6).